I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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