You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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