My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.