i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
