Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
