Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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