So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
