One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
