This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
