FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
