i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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