My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
