There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
