Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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