She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
