i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
