you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
