so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
