I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
