I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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