Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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