Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
