his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Your topless pictures make me question reality
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
