His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
