You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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