Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
