I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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