in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
