You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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