Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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