Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
