I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
