oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
