I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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