I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
