What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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