Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
