I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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