did you get engaged???
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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