Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
