Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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