Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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