I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They took my balls.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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