Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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