Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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