The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
