Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
