Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
