jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
