I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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