My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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