I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
